When did it happen? How is it that I didn’t notice before this? When did I become bargain hunting, coupon using, W.O.W. playing dweeb with a tingle of cheap?! Not that I’m complaining… I am saving money and am now a part of the arguably largest MMO EVER!!!! …okay so maybe this is putting a bit of salt in my cupcake. It doesn’t bother me, it’s just that it makes me feel lame. A bit of a contradiction, I suppose. But there is no escaping the fact that I absolutely love playing W.O.W. No matter how tired I feel, I know I have to put an hour or two of my time daily into the game.

And… well… about being cheap… when did I become the person who buys the store brand soda as opposed to Pepsi just because it saves me 75 cents. When did I become my parents?

I suppose in the long run these things really don’t bother me at all. A lot of people do both these things and there is nothing wrong with them, so why should there be anything wrong with me. World of Warcraft gives me a hobby and bargain hunting saves me a buck or two. Only alternative is to embrace these things with open arms and just give it up. Be proud of whom I am.

A video game loving penny in a jar for a rainy day saver…. It kind of has a nice ring to it =)

It was my birthday on Thursday (23, now) and it was without a doubt the best birthday ever! It also marked my first birthday with Adam which was pretty sweet. Got some awesome gifts (will post pictures later). Had awesome cake. Oh and also had a nervous breakdown. I have impeccable timing for this stuff, don’t I? Ha. I always like to think my birthday really is when marks a new year for me (as opposed to Jan. 1) and it’s the time to make resolutions for myself. Last year my resolutions were pretty much accomplished so I was looking forward to making my list again this year.. and then it hit me… I have no goals for life. All I want to do is sit on my fat ass and play WOW. That’s it. Que the nervous breakdown here. Lucky for me, I had Adam at my side when I started going into cardiac arrest freaking out. I think what it boiled down to was the fact that I hate my life. Like REALLY hate my life. But the worst part is I can fully admit that I don’t have it bad. I have it pretty good actually. Somehow that makes it kind of worse.

But enough with the melodramatics please!

I have tons to sort out in my head for the next few days. Life style changes for sure. But all of them for a better – happier – me in the future.

Besides all that blah blah blah, I went to Brunswick Square Mall (I think that’s what it’s called) off of rt 18 this weekend. Had a giftcard from Barnes and Nobles so I thought I’d use it right away for some manga of course. When I went to check out with Adam on my right and books in hand, I had the utmost pleasure to see my dream guy at the cashier. He was it. That punk emo rocker dude with the piercings, heavy jewelry, and fucking awesome hair that I can only manage to snag in dreams. Of course I told Adam how I felt and teased him all weekend with the ‘BNN Guy’. All in good fun. That is something that I love about my relationship with Adam. While he may get jealous that I go gaga over other guys sometimes, he doesn’t flip his shit because he knows that I love him. I mean sure BNN Guy was hot but I would never wanna get to know him. I’m not interested in that. I just love eye-candy!

Online dating is the hardest form of dating I have ever come across by a long shot. When you message someone and they look at your picture and if they don’t message you back…well…you can guess what they must think of you. Surely after a couple of no reply messages a person confidence must straight to go down. That’s not even the worst of it yet. Let’s say you get lucky and you either get the reply or better someone you find attractive writes to you f irst, what happens next? Sure you got someone’s interest based on a picture, but here comes to play personality. You may start off with the basics (fav. music, interests, education, work status) but after two or three days of messaging…than what? There is only so much you can write without giving all of yourself away. Anyway after some messaging comes the decision of getting the number or meeting up. For some people they exchanges the digits and talk on the phone for awhile (maybe months) before meeting up. For others (like me) you setup a date.

Some may call it ‘rushing’ if only after a couple of messages I am willing to meet up for a date, but trust me when I say there is a certain logic to this. The way I see it is that messaging can only provide a certain level of ‘sparks’ and all those sparks can burst in a second when you meet a person. So what’s the point of messaging someone for months if after the first date you’ll never see them again. Waste of time much?

I texted a guy named Nelson for about two days. Good conversation and we sent each other a couple of pictures and then decided to meet up for the classic movie date. The entire time we spent together was in my opinion good (perhaps even great). We talked. We laughed. And he kept doing that eyes to lips thing, guys usually do when they want to kiss you, the entire time. At the end of the night he said the classic line ‘I really want to get together with you again. Sometime this weekend.’ and then he pulled me into a hug which caused us to lock gazes and then lock lips. Seems like a good date, eh? I thought so too. Until he never called or texted back. Case and point, I didn’t waste my time or at least too much of my time.

Anyway here is a breakdown of the crews and a star rating for their performances: 

Quest **** - Beat Freaks **** - Dynamic Edition *** - Ringmasters **

Strikers Allstars *** - Fly Chicks *** - Team Millenia ** - BoxxCutterz **

GOP Dance *** (crew elimated)

The crew that was elimated in this first episode was the Puerto Rican crew GOP Dance. As you can see above I gave them three stars as opposed to a number of crews I only gave two. No I am not being biased because their Puerto Rican (though it does seem fair to do so after Lil’ Mama’s brawling over Brooklyns’ Ringmasters). GOP Dance was not great but was better than other crews, namely Team Millenia. Anyone who watched season two might remember Team Millenia from the live auditions, which they obviously did not make. But miracles do happen and now Team Millenia is on and has survived the first episode. Note the sacarasm. Did they improve from season two? o.O <= that was my face last night after their performance. Apparently improvement means turning into rockers. Their performance was a joke (and not even a funny joke at that). But the bigger joke of the night was Ringmasters, but heaven forbid Lil’ Mama shall hear me saying such a thing. Where was the dancing in their routine? I’m not going to deny that what they do is impressive, but I didn’t see enough (or any in my opinion) dancing.

I’m not going to get into details about the rest of the performances (the star ratings speak for themselves). But I am going to do some predications like I always do. The top three Quest, Beat Freaks, and Ringmasters (as much as I hate the thought of that). The bottom two crews are going to be Team Millenia and BoxxCutterz – the crew going home would be BoxxCutterz.

We’ll just have to wait till next week to see how right I am. Until then 1.

Right.

Partly I think her excuse is bullshit due to the fact that I refused to go to her Halloween party she had this weekend. At first I said I would go but then I decided not to and made other plans (which got cancelled last minute anyway). Jackie knew from the beginning that I did not want to go to her party but I said I would try if I was up to it. But I didn’t – honest to god – want to go. Nothing against her, but I hate the people she invited. I really do and she knows this. My health can not afford for me to be getting upset so I try to avoid situations in which I am going to feel uncomfortable. Understandable, eh?

But this is so fucked up. I really am in awe about her cancelling last minute like this. Previous years she hasn’t been able to sleepover and I understand that because she usual has to work early the next day. Still we would have out get together until midnight or something. It was at least an effort.

I gave up a couple of dates and invites to Halloween parties because I knew we were having our Halloween  tradition. Some friend, eh? PPPPFFFFFTTTT!!!! This is the last year of this Halloween tradition. I don’t care if she calls back trying to work something out as of right now I am open to any plans people invite me to.

Chapters: [ 1 - 2 ]

Things that don’t matter and things that do: I manage to mess them up just alike.

I thought this was over; that period in my life took place years ago.

I am not supposed to be the same anymore.

Yet here I am.

The same as I have always been.

Awkward and alone: Unfit and not pretty.

Even when things are supposed to be right they turn out wrong.

I am supposed to have it better, remember?

After all I did, all I have done I am supposed to happy now, isn’t that right?

But I’m not; not in the slightest…not even remotely.

The itch inside my veins is dying to reach the peek.

To burn through my skin and bleed, bleed, bleed.

I want to cut and bleed; to pick at my scabs and laugh.

I hate this, I hate this all.

I am so tired.

Pardon me while I go overdose.