It was my birthday on Thursday (23, now) and it was without a doubt the best birthday ever! It also marked my first birthday with Adam which was pretty sweet. Got some awesome gifts (will post pictures later). Had awesome cake. Oh and also had a nervous breakdown. I have impeccable timing for this stuff, don’t I? Ha. I always like to think my birthday really is when marks a new year for me (as opposed to Jan. 1) and it’s the time to make resolutions for myself. Last year my resolutions were pretty much accomplished so I was looking forward to making my list again this year.. and then it hit me… I have no goals for life. All I want to do is sit on my fat ass and play WOW. That’s it. Que the nervous breakdown here. Lucky for me, I had Adam at my side when I started going into cardiac arrest freaking out. I think what it boiled down to was the fact that I hate my life. Like REALLY hate my life. But the worst part is I can fully admit that I don’t have it bad. I have it pretty good actually. Somehow that makes it kind of worse.

But enough with the melodramatics please!

I have tons to sort out in my head for the next few days. Life style changes for sure. But all of them for a better – happier – me in the future.

Besides all that blah blah blah, I went to Brunswick Square Mall (I think that’s what it’s called) off of rt 18 this weekend. Had a giftcard from Barnes and Nobles so I thought I’d use it right away for some manga of course. When I went to check out with Adam on my right and books in hand, I had the utmost pleasure to see my dream guy at the cashier. He was it. That punk emo rocker dude with the piercings, heavy jewelry, and fucking awesome hair that I can only manage to snag in dreams. Of course I told Adam how I felt and teased him all weekend with the ‘BNN Guy’. All in good fun. That is something that I love about my relationship with Adam. While he may get jealous that I go gaga over other guys sometimes, he doesn’t flip his shit because he knows that I love him. I mean sure BNN Guy was hot but I would never wanna get to know him. I’m not interested in that. I just love eye-candy!

Online dating is the hardest form of dating I have ever come across by a long shot. When you message someone and they look at your picture and if they don’t message you back…well…you can guess what they must think of you. Surely after a couple of no reply messages a person confidence must straight to go down. That’s not even the worst of it yet. Let’s say you get lucky and you either get the reply or better someone you find attractive writes to you f irst, what happens next? Sure you got someone’s interest based on a picture, but here comes to play personality. You may start off with the basics (fav. music, interests, education, work status) but after two or three days of messaging…than what? There is only so much you can write without giving all of yourself away. Anyway after some messaging comes the decision of getting the number or meeting up. For some people they exchanges the digits and talk on the phone for awhile (maybe months) before meeting up. For others (like me) you setup a date.

Some may call it ‘rushing’ if only after a couple of messages I am willing to meet up for a date, but trust me when I say there is a certain logic to this. The way I see it is that messaging can only provide a certain level of ‘sparks’ and all those sparks can burst in a second when you meet a person. So what’s the point of messaging someone for months if after the first date you’ll never see them again. Waste of time much?

I texted a guy named Nelson for about two days. Good conversation and we sent each other a couple of pictures and then decided to meet up for the classic movie date. The entire time we spent together was in my opinion good (perhaps even great). We talked. We laughed. And he kept doing that eyes to lips thing, guys usually do when they want to kiss you, the entire time. At the end of the night he said the classic line ‘I really want to get together with you again. Sometime this weekend.’ and then he pulled me into a hug which caused us to lock gazes and then lock lips. Seems like a good date, eh? I thought so too. Until he never called or texted back. Case and point, I didn’t waste my time or at least too much of my time.

Seriously!?

Is that text message supposed to be cute? Funny? Charming? Am I supposed to be flattered?

I mean I would think it was funny if you know I talked to this guy on a regular basis and we were messing around. But we hardly talk to each other because he’s busy and now that he gets a chance, he sends me that! I would understand if this was the first text he sends me like this. But it’s almost every other text. What am I? A hooker? A whore you send sex texts to when your horny?

Can’t you tell me you miss me? Can’t you say you want to see me (w/o saying its for sex)? Can’t you say something else!!

Lie to me damn it!! 

Well, no. Don’t lie to me. But geez a little sweet talk would be nice. Is that too much to ask? Just some old fashion sweet talk. Don’t tell me I look fuckable. Don’t tell me I have nice boobs. Don’t tell me how hard you want to fuck me. Those things are not flattering. Save that shit for foreplay time at least.

Messages like this don’t make me feel flattered. They make me feel cheap and stupid. If you want me for just a fuck then say so. But wait, I did ask you that – if I was just a fuck – and you got mad, remember? You said you didn’t want just sex from me. You have a funny way of showing that. So when you make up your mind, tell me. Tell me if I’m just a fuck and I’ll treat you the same way. But don’t tell me you like me and then talk to me like I’m a whore. It is not flattering.